HOW TO DRIVE IN PHOENIX:
1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name, it is: FEE-NICKS'. There are other names to learn such as Awatukee (Ah-wa-Too-Kee) but that will be included in the advanced course.
2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00 am to noon. The evening rush hour is from noon to7:00 pm. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.
3. The minimum acceptable speed on most freeways is 85 mph. On Loop 101, your speed is expected to at least match the highway number. Anything less is considered 'Wussy'.
4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Phoenix has its own version of traffic rules. For example, cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires go second. However, East Valley , SUV-driving, cell phone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way.
5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot.
6. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously. It's another offense that can get you shot.
7. Road construction is permanent and continuous in Phoenix. Detour barrels are moved around for your entertainment pleasure during the middle of the night to make the next day's driving a bit more exciting.
8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks, dogs, barrels, cones, cows, horses, cats, mattresses, shredded tires, squirrels, rabbits, crows, vultures, javelinas, roadrunners, and the coyotes feeding on any of these items.
9. Maricopa Freeway, Papago Freeway and the '10' are the same road unless it's the part of the I17 that is also called the Maricopa Freeway. SR202 is the same road as The Red Mountain FWY unless it's east of the 101 and then it becomes the SanTan, then it ends, and then becomes the SanTan again. SR 143 is a street AND a freeway at the same time. Either way, it's the Hohokam Expressway. No one really knows what purpose SR153 has exactly.· SR51 has been called both the Squaw Peak Freeway and Piestewa Freeway. Depends who's talking to you.. US60 on the east side is the Superstition Freeway. On the west side it's a diagonal road with lots of traffic lights that's best avoided altogether. Sometimes you'll hear things on the traffic reports that refer to 'the innerloop.' No one (besides traffic reporters) ever called anything in Phoenix by that name. Matter of fact, I'm not sure where that is exactly. Dunlap and Olive are the same street. Jefferson becomes Washington, but they are not the same street. SR 101 is the Pima FWY east of I-17, which is the Black Canyon FWY (south of the 101, north of the 101 it is Veterans Memorial HWY) unless you are south of the 202 then the 101 becomes the Price FWY. SR 101 west of I-17 (at all times) is the Agua Fria FWY. No one is quite sure where Bethany 's Home is. Lastly, Thunderbird Rd. becomes Cactus Rd. but, Cactus Rd. doesn't become Thunderbird Rd. because it dead ends at a mountain.
10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been 'accidentally activated.'
11. If you are in the left lane and only driving 70 in a 55-65 mph zone, you are considered a road hazard and will be 'flipped off' accordingly. If you return the flip, you'll be shot.
12. For summer driving, it is advisable to wear potholders on your hands.
13. It's a sport to make a yellow light from at least 500 feet away.
6 comments:
Bill, I like the pot holders idea. I used to have a hand towel in my car for summer driving after work.
So here's my follow up suggestion: How to Drive In Phoenix when it rains. I've noticed that once it rains people will say "watch out the roads are oily and slick now" like this is the dessert equivalent of driving through slushy snow. We have to make driving exciting when there's a change of weather so people either don't know how to use their wind shield wipers or they drive half the speed limit. We worry that the rain will disentegrates the brake pads on our cars or something.
Great post Bill. I was seriously laughing loud enough that Ethan asked what I was reading. I refuse to say LOL though, I hate that stupid phrase. So this is me laughing loudly in public but not laughing out loud.
When I first moved down here, besides the drivers scaring me so much that I swore never to drive, only to be driven, the one thing that peeved me most about the freeways were the namesigns for the exits. US60East to Tucson? I don't want to go to Tucson! I want to go to Rural! And Tucson is SOUTH! Needless to say, we were quite lost for some time.
There was a guy once who attempted to spraypaint the exit signs with the proper names, like "Mill Ave, Dummy". His handiwork lasted only a day, but gave us laughs for years. I think his incarceration was totally worth it.
There was one Thanksgiving a few years ago, I called it a White Thanksgiving--I loved it so much, the whole East Valley was covered with a low-laying fog. I was out driving in it in the morning with a handful of other commuters. I laughed so hard. They would drive hesitantly at 20mph, then stop dead in the road. Drive a few feet, then stop again. They totally thought they were going to get swallowed up in the fog they saw before them, and then they wouldn't be able to see anything! It's FOG! It's not some entity where you would get lost in the midst like a real live version of Twilight Zone!
I really like that #9, except there might be some misinformation there. The 202 is called Red Mountain until it hits the US60 east of Power. Where it becomes the San Tan.
LOVE LOVE LOVE #9!!!
Crystal, TOTALLY agree with the completely stupid way that people here drive when there is the slightest bit of weather! It's RAIN people!
Jennifer, the freeway signs are absolutely terrible! The Tucson sign saying east has bothered me since I started driving. And, I swear, if my brother had not moved to "East Mesa" when I was young, I would not know which direction east actually is.
Jared, seriously...you followed all that? I got bits and pieces, but mostly I just sat there laughing at the obsurdity of it all. It was the stuff like the 143being a road as well as a freeway and the Squaw Peak being renamed to be politically correct that got me.
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