Tuesday, November 20, 2012


Why do supermarkets make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?

Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke?

Why do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters?

Why do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in our driveways and put our useless junk in the garage?

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavoring, and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?
Why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff??
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Friday, November 9, 2012

Da Bears...

In the first quarter of their 51-20 win over the Tennessee Titans, the Bears scored a touchdown on a blocked punt, an interception, a running play and a passing play. That was the first time in NFL history that had happened. The Bears also have seven interception returns for touchdowns through eight games, which is also an NFL first. This defense is pretty special, folks.

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

The Man who Falls...

Somehow, I have come to be the guy that falls.  I never used to be that guy, but over the years, I have evolved.  Most recently, I was walking from my car to work, and somehow, I fell.  Right out of the blue.  I didn't trip, try to jump, or slip.  I fell.  I did step funny on my foot somehow, and twisted my ankle.  Instincts kicked in, so as not to do more damage to the ankle, down I went.  Like a sack of wet cement.  Now I didn't stay down, because I was embarrassed, and I thought bouncing up quickly was the best action to avoid people worrying that I was hurt.  To my surprise, no one was around.  I didn't realize how badly I had twisted the ankle until the next morning, when I had trouble walking
Example # 2 comes at a Church activity.  This was pretty embarrassing.  We had gone to the function with the kids and were working our way around different stations, each with a different activity. The outside activity was designed to be harmless.  Clearly, the activity people didn’t think of me.  The activity?  Spitting watermelon seeds.  Now, you wonder, how does anyone fall spitting watermelon seeds? The people in charge were marking the top seeds that had traveled the farthest.  My first attempt, with moderate effort, only missed the best spit by about a foot.  I figured with a little effort, I could beat the record.  So, I took the seed, inhaled deeply, took a couple of steps to get a good start, and when I planted my foot, manages to catch my shoe on the ground and tumbled forward.  Now if you know me, tumbled is not really accurate.  I staggered and fell.  Like a sack of wet cement.  My wife, usually understanding, didn't stick around to make sure I was OK.  She has seen me fall all too often.  She just turned and walked back into the building. 

Example # 3 was years ago, but worth mentioning.  We were playing a softball game and I was on first base (Yes I managed to hit the ball to get on).  The guy who hit after me hit the ball to the outfield and managed to get it buy the fielder.  I ran to second base and saw the fielder miss the ball, so I rounded the base and headed to third.  Then it happened.  As I rounded 2nd base, I somehow managed to stumble.  I tried with all my might to regain my balance, to no luck.  I made the decision to tuck and roll, end the fall, and head back to 2nd base.  I got up, ran back and slid into the base trying to avoid the tag out.  To my surprise, the guy who had hit the ball had glided into second base with a double.  One of us was going to be out.  I did the right thing and ran off the field, with everyone on the field, in the dugout, and in the stands, laughing.  Yes I had slid into short.  A story that is still remembered like it was yesterday. 

So, the next time you see me, remember all the painful falls I have had, and do your best not to laugh.  Or at least hold it in until I am gone.   

Thursday, November 1, 2012

And God Created Humans

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God saw it was good.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God, again saw it was good.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty, and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed it was good.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family… For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch.